Updated: Apr 18
Co-host Heather Here,
Updates as I recover from the grief and loss of my mother. I have been having a lot of revelations as I continue to share and heal from the trauma of losing my mom. Those "ah hah" moments you just can't ignore. While I have sternly always believed my parents did not do the best that they could despite the fact that my mom always said she did her best. I am starting to understand that based on her own upbringing and her own life traumas maybe she did indeed do the best she could. I'm certainly leaning more towards the side of compassion for her as I heal from all of this and discuss it out loud on these podcasts.
I think I'll sit down and discuss with Liane at some point what my mother went through as a child, teen, young adult and even as an adult. There are many traumas that happened in her lifetime, some more horrific than I can really articulate, that I now realize as a "healing" adult, probably led her to barely cope with life. I know she never intentionally meant to damage me that's for sure or cause the trauma in my life that she did. She wasn't evil. She was "unhealed".
We recently recorded with a book author and he briefly discussed his mother's parenting as warm and kind with all the cuddles. The truth is my mother was kind, she was affectionate and she absolutely did love me. She didn't parent the way that I needed to be parented but if that's the standard, basically everyone is just doing their best or parenting incorrectly because until we are adults we have no idea who we really needed to be parented. I will never know "what could have been" with her. I will never know if she did her best. I'm starting to realize knowing these answers aren't required to actually heal and move on.
Perhaps I had the exact type of parenting I needed to have, in order to be here on this platform sharing other people's stories and my own and connecting people through their Mental Health, crisis and past traumas. Maybe this is my purpose. Maybe this is just a hobby I'm loving for now and it will run it's course but being part of a group of Trauma Warriors makes me feel less alone.
Genuine healing is being able to look back at your past and reflect with an open mindset. Also realizing on my part that my hurt and unhealed traumas at times in my life have led me to cause trauma in other people's lives. That's another thing I have learned about doing this podcast. There is an episode coming out soon to my ex-husband that will show exactly what I mean by this statement. Dear Diary, I Am Sorry I Caused Your Pain Releasing March 14th 2022.
We are always learning and growing but the truth is we may cause damage along the way. We may find new boundaries that have been crossed that we didn't realize we needed to have in place. We may act out in ways that other people don't understand because we are carrying pain that no one else sees. Reflection, learning, growing, healing and sharing my path is all I hope to do here in this space. If one person can relate then all my hard work is worth it. If I heal to new levels and find compassion for an area of life that I didn't previously have compassion for then all the better.
~Spoon-Fed Trauma Podcast Co-Host Heather